Fucking Up

Everyone does. There is this moment where one utters aloud or within the mind words such as "Shit", or "Fuck" and immediately tries to reason how to repair the situation. Usually adrenaline is released and somehow the person who has made the mistake is able to correct it to a certain extent. Either minimising the damage or gaining forgiveness are the desired goals.

Sometimes it is not that simple. Sometimes individuals make errors repeatedly or for extended periods of time without knowing it. It then becomes too late to do anything about it. For example, when a student repeatedly misses assignments that they do not know about, he or she has made a painful error. After a few months, it is impossible to ask an instructor for an extension or an alternate assignment. The student looks irresponsible and the damage is irreparable.

There is another variation. Sometimes it is extremely difficult to decide how to rectify certain errors. Sometimes personal benefit gets in the way of doing what is right and makes decisions nearly impossible to make. The mind generates excuses that make the one responsible for erring feel that perhaps they are in the right. It is only later that the one erring realises that they are actually doing something wrong, perhaps even something horrible. The mind blinds them.

I tend to make the third type of mistakes. I am always unsure of my moral obligations. They change from time to time. What does not change is that I am egocentric. I always do what I feel is best for me. But I am rarely certain what is best for me. I have to ask myself, "Does making her happy instead of me being happy cancel out the unhappiness that I feel as a result of my decision ?" I feel happy when she is happy, but I feel unhappy inside at the same time. My feelings are split.

Weeks later, my feelings are no longer split. But it is too late. I have lost a friend. And she will not take me as a friend again. Never. More than once has this happened.

I fuck up.