Should I regret the choices that I made ? It's not as if I was forced into the choices. I made the choices that I thought were best at the time. Is it even possible to make a choice that doesn't seem best ?
I had everything I could have ever wanted. Everything was in the palm of my hand, until I let it slip away. I found it again, and let it slip. I want to stop trying to win it all; I want to get my old life back. Unfortunately, time only flows in one direction.
The song I'm playing right now reminds me of times I had in the past that were wonderful, and it makes me really miss them. Thoughts of "If I only had.." or "If only I didn't..." go through my mind. I wonder if I could have my friends back. I wonder if I could be in a different state. I wonder if I would be with someone who really listens to what I have to say and cares about it. I could sit for hours thinking about what might have been if I had made better choices. But how was I supposed to know, then ? I made the choices that I thought, then, were the best ones to make. I wish I realised how things would turn out. I thought everything would work out in the end. Back then, it seemed like there was no other way.
Do I blame myself ?
The cursor blinks. I have more to write.
I stop thinking about things that I want. I do what I have to do.
7 comments:
This account is a beautifully written episode of several times in my day. Sitting, supposedly working on other projects, when all of a sudden a flashback occurs.
The question that you (rightfully) ask is if you should regret the choices that you have made in and with your life. The answer is that you (I say) should not. My experiences have shown me that each of my choices have brought me to this specific place in my life, with a certain history for a reason. Some of it is just to have a backstory to relate to someone. Other parts are there to remind me of better days. The last reminds me that there is hope.
Do I blame myself for the actions that I've taken? At times, but then I also remember such sayings as "Pain is weakness leaving the body" and whatnot, and I tell myself that it is for the best.
We need to do lunch sometime. 12 May, maybe 1100 hours?
No matter how often I try to tell myself it's for the best; things don't seem to feel right.
12 May, I'll put that on my calendar.
You're not doing anybody any favors by sitting on the fence. Determine which side you want to be on and stay on it.
Good point, Anonymous. I need to make more realistic choices.
It's not the choice that I was criticizing you about. I meant that you should take responsibility for your own actions - you had a choice, you made it, and now you should stand by it instead of going back and forth wondering "what if"s. Why must you be so fickle?
I am fickle because that is (unfortunately) how I am. That is actually what this blog post is about. My mind can never discern between what choices are "good" in these complex situations, and I find myself often wondering whether or not I made the right choice. And I worry that if I have made the wrong choice, I need to repair the damage done and get on the right track ASAP.
I'm never sure..
You made the choice that you believed was right at the time. There is nothing dishonorable about that.
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