Two Years Ago

Two years ago, I was texting someone who is no longer my friend about something. Something that I, then, thought was more important to me than Christmas. Turns out, Christmas ended up not being very important to me at all that year. What was important was that the girl I had taken a strong liking for had kept a secret from me. I told myself, "No matter what, we'll still be friends". We aren't, sadly.

Two years ago, I ordered this MacBook that sits in my lap while I type this post. Two years ago, I was so excited to be ordering it. It was the biggest deal in the world to me, and I don't even know why now. I remember thinking, "It's winter. I'm about to have a MacBook, and I'm in love with this girl, what else could I ask for ?" I was younger, then. But in many ways I was much more mature. How does maturity decrease over the years ? I wish I could answer that question. Now this MacBook sitting in my lap is no more exciting to me than any other ordinary laptop. Sure, it'd be hard to live without it, but it isn't exciting anymore. Nothing really is.

I had hopes and dreams and aspirations. I wanted to move to New York by now. I wanted to be going to New York University or a CUNY school. But I am studying in Georgia still. And not doing well enough to get out, either...

I had a very positive feeling about where I was going. I felt like my life was headed right where I wanted it to. It was the only time in my life when I felt that way. In fact, it may have been one of the happiest times of my life.

Today, I write this blog. It is 4 AM, and I do not feel hopeful. I do not feel happy. And I am not excited for Christmas. I feel worthless, and I feel I have no path to follow.

To everyone else:

Happy Holidays.