If I Were An Exchange Student In China

I was sure she was Korean. She came in at the last moment every day with the same blank expression. An expression that never changed until Professor Kirschenbaum entered the room. He was never late. Nor was he early. Today was no exception. She smiled at him. Her face seemed as if to say "I am ready to learn today".

Professor Kirschenbaum reminded us students that today was the beginning of student-led discussion. He asked the group that was to lead discussion today if they would like to speak to him in the hallway to make sure the expectations were clear before presenting. The members stood up and started walking towards the door. The girl rose as well. I had forgotten she was leading the discussion today. She made her way towards the front of the classroom. One of the leaders-to-be whispered to her, "Hey, let's see what he says before we present." She looked a bit surprised, but smiled and went out into the hallway without a word.

They spent a great deal of time outside the classroom. I became bored sitting in my desk. I read the news that was available on my laptop while waiting. I realised that I was able to hear my professor speaking to the presenters outside. I decided that it was in my best interest to listen to him so that when it was my turn to present, I would be prepared. I could not hear all of what he said, but I heard him say "..understand you through your accent, you'll be fine. I mean, it's not that bad, anyway. Heh.." Right after that, they returned to the classroom and proceeded to go to the front of the room.

The girl I presumed to be Korean spoke first. She spoke very confidently and without faltering, but her accent was unmistakable. She was definitely Chinese. This was confirmed by her first few sentences. She explained, "I'm a foreign exchange student from China. I hope that you can understand me well and that I can lead this discussion in a very effective manner." She then began to elaborate on her discussion questions that she had prepared.

She made a few mistakes in her English, but she never truly faltered. Whenever she made a mistake, she calmly corrected it. Everything felt fluid. I felt myself drawn to answer her first question. As I spoke, my voice seemed so uncertain compared to hers. I stuttered a few times. She stared right at me as I answered her question. I found myself turning away and staring at the whiteboard to escape her piercing gaze. I began to realise something as she continued speaking after I had answered her question.

She continued to speak but I did not pay close attention to what she was saying. Instead, I took note of the confidence in her voice. I became jealous of how she handled the language. She spoke in a tone that was not condescending but one that held a strong authority. I wondered to myself, "How could she speak so confidently in front of this class ? She has never opened her mouth once before. I myself would be less confident than she is, even while speaking my first language in front of the class."

If I had learned Chinese in school and had gone to China to study, I would not have been so confident. Especially in a Chinese History class. This girl is in a US History course. If I were to lead a discussion in a second language, about a history that my classmates had much more extensive knowledge about, I would not have been able to do it. I would have asked special permission to do an alternate assignment or simply avoided leading discussion in general. Does that make me a coward ? Why do I lack confidence ?

There is something to learn here. I find myself wanting to challenge myself in the days to come. I want to become confident too. I want to speak without faltering. I desire these skills.

I am unable to ask her for help. I missed her name. I also lack the confidence to speak to her...