Flying By

Right now, I sit in my office. My coworker is typing information into an Excel file frantically. During this moment, there is no work for me to do. I sit here, thinking. Pondering.

The iPhone next to my laptop vibrates. There is an SMS message. When did I get an iPhone ? Somehow, I cannot believe this has happened. Was it not a year ago that my mother's iPhone plunged into the depths of the Ashepoo River ? I watched as she replaced her phone for $400. I was jealous. I always wanted an iPhone. I knew, then, that I would never have the opportunity. I was wrong.

I wonder if I locked my car. I look outside at it. It is white, like I imagined my car would be. How was I able to get a car ? Was it not just a year ago that I wondered if I would ever be able to get my driver's license ? Worrying about having enough gas to go through my daily life is a challenge I never thought I would face.

My DS is not on my desk. I remember the days when I would bring it to the office to play when I was bored of doing monotonous work. I would put headphones and hope that no one noticed when I played for a few minutes, trying to get an S-rank in 押忍！闘え！応援団. I hoped that they would think I was listening to my music as I worked, as I often did. Was it not a year ago when 1259 showed me the R4 device ? Was it not only a year ago that I thought with my new DS I would have games to play forever ? My DS gathers dust on my bedside table at home.

It has been a while since 1259 has cared about talking to me. Just a year ago, I would be bored if 1259 was too busy call me or hang out with me. Now, there is no time for that. 1259 has responsibilities, as I do. In addition, I constantly have about three or four people who want to spend time with me. Who do I reject ? It is a challenge I never thought I would face. People wanting to see ME, of all people. Sometimes I bend the truth to save myself from others' frustration and disappointment.

My old friends had such a huge impact on my life. Sometimes I wonder if they know it. It was only a year ago that they drove me around and allowed me to experience a little bit of their world. I had real friends who really cared about me for the first time. New friends who changed the way I looked at the world. I thought they cared about me as much as I cared about them. I now think I was wrong. College is an excuse. Relationships are an excuse. Friendship goes beyond those boundaries. Even a small amount of contact would have been appreciated. I fear I have been forgotten. On days like today, I wish I could forget you. Remembering happy times only makes me sad knowing that those times continue for you and that you no longer wish for me to be a part of them.

I used to walk next door to my office to ask my mother what my family was having for dinner. There is no reason for that anymore. She does not prepare food for me. There is no 'we' anymore. Sometimes she makes food for the entire family, but disregards my distaste for certain foods. Sometimes I wonder if she does it on purpose. In conclusion, it is rare that my mother prepares a meal for me to eat. I buy my own. I also buy my own haircuts. My parents provide my bed and my internet. And, technically, my mother provides my job. I miss meals at home. I miss being driven to the local hair salon and watching my father pay for his haircut and mine. I am nineteen years old. I am supposed to pay. Just a year ago, that was not the case.

My Google Analytics information tells me that no one looks at my website any more. Perhaps four times a week, someone will. I ask myself sometimes if those are even real views or me accidentally clicking my bookmark to my site. I never check. I like the uncertainty as I hope that some friends still look. Why have my views dropped from an average of fifteen views per day to about half a view per day ? I will assume it is because I do not have time to update my website. What if no one cared about my updates in the first place ? Maybe my viewers have also become substantially busy. Regardless, I have made plans to make a full-scale update to the page and to purchase a domain for the site. However, the likelihood that this update will be made is slim. Plans are always made and rarely followed. Life is that way. Things come up. Things happen. I wish I had the time that I used to have. I wish I continued to update the site.

I never thought I would have, at any time before graduating college, $2000. With more money than I have ever had, I spend less than I ever have. I am worried all the time that something horrible will happen and I will need money to escape. Perhaps an automobile accident. Perhaps injury. Perhaps this laptop will suddenly cease to function. Money has become such a worry to me. It was just a year ago that I made twice as much a week as I do now, and spent as much of it as I could. Now I try to survive off of a terrible wage coupled with graduation gifts.

I see my work desktop screensaver is scrolling photos that my grandfather put on the computer. I see myself and my cousins, young and happy. Time flies by.

College starts in two months. I have no idea in which direction I am heading. Who knows where I will be one year from now ?

Everything is flying by.